And no matter what I do, I can never find a place where this feels right. I’m in a place in my life where I’m finally ready to leave all that I want behind, but my love, I wanted to bring you with me. Maybe your promises and our kisses were always meant to be fleeting and empty but I don’t miss them any less. I am leaving this crimson, old place either way. You were my anchor to reality but now you’re just a weight and you’re rough and sharp and you keep cutting me and it’s time that I drop you.
I say that I feel lost without you but I write better now than I ever did and I find myself more capable of love than I ever have been. I have always been lost. I have always looked for permanence and safety and the moment you became neither was the moment you were never what I needed. You do not want me and so I never needed you.
I love with every ounce of my being. I find beauty in the cracks and gods in your touch. Love is what I live for and what I hurt for. My love is inevitable. You can’t love with the whole world and not find someone to accept it. I will find someone to hold in the night and share sleepy kisses with in the morning. I will find someone excited and intoxicated by me. I will find someone satisfied. There is no other way.
I will find someone who chooses to want me more than anything and I will choose to need them. Love is harsh and hot and heavy but it always something you choose. It was never rotten work to me and it never will be. I will find someone who means it.
And no matter what I do, I hate leaving us unfinished. We had plans and promises and routines and it’s all gone. I want to see you happy. I want to see you successful and satisfied and I will always worry over you but it is something that will stay unfinished. I will not see you through like I was going to, but that isn’t something I can control. In the end, I am unwanted by you and that will never be my fault. I gave you all.
I will not look back at someone who drags me into and waits in the worst parts of something while refusing to look at the overwhelming good of it.And no matter what we did, no matter where we are, we cannot change the nature of how things are. The world marches on. The banks, the government, people— they all have their natures and their poisons. Maybe sometime they will change but their natures won’t change on their own. They are more things to fight for than someone who doesn’t want me. Maybe you will find someone who meets your standards, but I will find someone who is happy with me.
//Short little thing that had nowhere else to go//
I will love you forever. It is my last gift to you, my last promise. I hope it will help you in the darkness, I hope it will help whenever you are lonely and cold. I hope it can satiate you when all you want or need is a taste of love or sweetness. I hope it is the will for you to take one more step, the will to get up another morning. I hope you will treasure it, for it is not something you have given me. And I very much would like to have it.